I was invited to a charity event the other night by my friends David and Anne Merin.  The event was for a terrible affliction called Scleroderma.  I didn’t know much about the disease, but know more now than I ever thought I would, and was compelled to donate.  It was hosted by Bob Saget, who is surprisingly hysterical.  He’s known for his role on a kids show with the Olsen twins (Full House???), so his dirty comedy was a fun surprise.  I was literally right by the stage, crotch level, in the exact spot you don’t want to be in front of comedians.  They had amazing food, other comedians, and musical guests.  Adam Duritz from Counting Crows did a few songs, which were amazing.  Of course every single song he played was depressing, because that’s what he’s good at; reminding you that you have a heart then making it bleed.  He did a rendition of A Long December, which (admittedly after some booze) reached deeper into me than was comfortable, especially in front of so many people.  The lyrics resonated so profoundly that my eyes began to tear and I kept waving my head around to fan the moisture away.  I hate you and love you.  I hate you for loving you.  I hate me for loving you still.  You have a guy and I have someone I have been seeing.  This blog is our whole fucking relationship now, and it’s just stupid.  It was a voice in the dark, a window into my heart of state of mind (or intoxication), a way to reach-out to you, that soul, that being that my soul is/was connected with .  Now, I just don’t know what this is anymore.  There’s no purpose, other than therapeutic expression, but there’s no therapy in it anymore because it’s only one-sided now.  It’s almost like a heavy bag that we have alternated carrying for all this time now.  I love you to death still, despite myself, but it’s so heavy.  I know you know what I mean.  I would have loved to see your face here in NY, but I understand and respect your reasons.  How the fuck could we have ever made each other happy?  Is that even possible or are we defective toys?  There are definitely candidates, but none I have connected with on the level necessary.  I don’t think it’s because of you anymore.  I just think it’s LA, and finding a soul that mine connects within that dirty ocean isn’t an easy task (obviously).   I have my nest pillowed and feathered, I have a regular job, and I have my dog.  Bring it on Universe…