6 thoughts on “Uncertainty”

  1. So I debated sharing this with you in Costa Rica, and then again after, but for a variety of reasons which I’ll address a little later, I didn’t. I’m sharing with you now so that I can enter the new year with a clear heart and mind, and because you deserve some insight.

    Back in early August I saw my family doctor, whose care I’ve been under since birth, about my mental health; this following months (if not years) of low mood, low energy, irritability, poor sleep. In my appointment with him he raised my genetic predisposition to depression and anxiety given my family history. He also informed me that working under high stress long term can alter helping professionals’ brain chemistry to the point of actually causing depression and anxiety, and that social workers have extraordinarily high rates of PTSD given their continued immersion in trauma. So check, check and check on all of those risk factors for me.

    Just before our trip, I started taking medication for my mental health, Pristiq. It’s a run of the mill SSRI for depression and anxiety. Typically it takes 3 or 4 weeks to affect change, but my trajectory was royally fucked because of my concussion. I spent a good (bad!) 5 weeks after Costa Rica in a thick grey fog (caused by brain swelling). On week 7 I returned to work part-time. On week 9 I went back full time. By the start of November-ish I felt like myself again. The anxiety and irritability were gone. My energy was back. I was me again, and the best version. (Side note: my head has STILL not fully healed – I have nerve and muscle damage in one eye still, and jamming in the bones of my skull. Concussions are a bitch).

    I didn’t tell you about my mental health status and the medication back in August because 1) there’s a stigma attached to mental health issues and I wasn’t sure how you’d react to knowing the me, the woman you were so desperate to commit to for life, to have your sweet babes, has some deficits in this area, and 2) because I wasn’t aware myself of how much I was struggling at that point. The depth of that only became apparent after I pulled myself up and out of the dark, cloudy, crowded place that is depression and anxiety, and back into the light. I considered telling you over that hurried drink we had in Nola, but I was concerned you would take it as an attempt to excuse my behavior while we were in Costa Rica, or for me to sway you toward reconciliation. I’m not doing either. I was shitty to you in Costa Rica, and that was me. An ugly, suffering version of me, but me nonetheless. And I’m not looking for reconciliation now. Our relationship is too troubled for that.

    I want to leave our tortured love in 2016. And this, for me, is a part of our story. And now that I’ve told it, I can be free.

    With love for you always,
    Erin

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    1. I’m sorry to hear about your continued condition, both your concussion and depression. The depression had been obvious to me though. My brother is on medication for chronic depression, and I also have occasional bouts, but manage to deal with them. I too would like to leave it all behind (with all the other wonderful souls who passed) in 2016, but I know it’s not that simple. A day, a date, a year, doesn’t seem to change things as fast or as much as anyone would like. I was contentedly charting a different course until you came back around again, and somehow crept back into my mind and my dreams (yes, I also had a dream about you). Where’s the “on/off” love switch? All I’ve found so far is the mute button.

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  3. I wonder…

    If that heart of yours will thaw.

    What to do with all the love for you in mine.

    More practically, will I see you over Mardi Gras?

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    1. E, I hope you’re having a wonderful time out there in the jungle. I can’t see the future anymore, but you are in my thoughts at times. Have fun.

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