-On my heart is a gaping wound that won’t close.  Exposed and raw, everything that comes near only seems to irritate.  I bite down and endure the peaks and valleys of pain because one loving touch or one warm word can soothe and dull the ceaseless ache.  But I would sooner rip it from my chest than bear it for a lifetime.

The above sentiment was an eloquent way to let you know that I am vulnerable and exposed, and a seemingly simple message of us going to Hawaii next Christmas touches my heart and nurses my wound.  My words to you are sincere and I implore you the same.

And P.S., I hate being in this fucking position, like some weak bitch who cries herself to sleep at night.  I am not.  I am a man, proud and strong, who is in love

-Erin,

This I swear to you I believe:

1. I believe that we are more right together than we are with anyone else.
2. I believe we have a deep level of love that is highly improbable to find in this world.
3. I believe that our connection (or call it what you will) has endured time, distance, ups and downs, and somehow, inexplicably remains in tact.
4. I believe that I do and will love you deeper than any man.
5. I believe that we have issues, but our issues can be worked out.
6. I believe that you would regret not choosing me.
7. I believe we didn’t meet on accident.  You were made for me.
8. I believe we will have the most beautiful and smart children who would be educated, well traveled and worldly.
9. I believe your life would be more enriched with me.
10. I believe that I understand you.
11. I believe that our futures are brighter when we’re together.
12. I believe that our love making is just better.
13. I believe that no shoe box can hold me.
14. I believe that we have both longed for the other for far too long and it’s time to make it happen for real so we can stop being tortured and finally be happy.

-Facetime this weekend or else…  ∋;-)

-The holidays have crept up.  I’ve been invited to several holiday events, and though I’m sure I’ll be a little bit social, I’ll more than likely hole-up in Throne Manor doing home improvement tasks and watching all the movie screeners I received.  It’s quiet up here.  I can hear everything from a dog barking down the road, or a gardener mowing a lawn, to even a dog walker padding her little feat down the street.  I wonder how much of me they can hear.  Once the master bedroom is done I thankfully won’t have to worry about that, as it’s at the back of the house.  I told Guy that we would make a decision by the end of today where we’re going to go for New Years.  Somehow Portland, Oregon came into the mix.  I was all set to go there, but I spoke with my friend, Ron, in Nola, who gave a damn good argument as to why I should go down there.  As if I would need anyone to sell me on going to Nola.  I miss it.  In a strange, unhealthy way, things made sense there.  I had friends, there was never a lack of anything to do, I didn’t need to drive everywhere, it was unpretentious, I was a bigger fish,  I knew the lay of the land and places to go and eat…  How life would have been different if you hadn’t been so damn stubborn earlier in the year when I asked you to move in with me when I was buying that house.  I’d be living in a house uptown, out of the quarter, living a more domestic life, yet still with all the simple pleasures Nola has to offer.  I would have liked that life.  As incredible as that apartment was, it really was living in the Quarter which I had to move-on from, not Nola as a whole.  Maybe I’m meant to be there.  Maybe I’ll go back.  I can always rent my house here in LA without a problem.  I’m going to seriously meditate on that next year.  Did you have a nice birthday?  I hope so, though the thought of the birthday sex part makes me regurge a little.  I was writing a birthday poem to you in my head yesterday, but didn’t finish.  Perhaps today, though I have a lot of budgeting work to do, so it’s not likely.  I woke up yesterday with not one but TWO pimples on my nose and one on my cheek!  WTF?!!  It was fucking horrible.  I basically cancelled everything I could, except for a meeting at ABC regarding some sexy TV show called Mistresses.  I mustered my confidence and a shit-ton of coverup and went.  The meeting went well though and they’d love to have me, but I think I’ll pass and hold-out for something that interests me more creatively.  It’s a bit of a gamble, a bird in the hand, but I don’t perform well if I’m not inspired both by the material and by the people whom I’m working with.  It’s a little suspenseful in the Throne household at the moment, but I’ll breathe my way through it until the right gig or bankruptcy comes along.  Speaking of the Throne household, the house is coming along nicely.  They poured the concrete foundation for the bedroom extension yesterday, and are starting to frame the new walls.  I also made a decision to get rid of the stone fireplace.  It’s very kitchey and period, but it’s not my taste at all, so bye bye large, ugly stones.  I also cleaned out much of the garage so that the Mustang (Rosie, which is short for Rocinante) will have a place to live when she finally gets back from the shop, which at this rate might not be until I’m 90!!!  Only about four more weeks of this disarray and I’ll be living in my own bed in my new master bedroom in my new house.  Only one thing missing… actually two if you count a dog.

-Thirty three years ago today your mother, Heather, gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.  No one quite knew the impact this little baby would have on the world, the lives she would help and change through her social work, her yoga teaching, her friendship, and her love.  From that little girl came the woman that several men have loved but few have understood.  She is complex, she is pensive, she holds on to discussing her emotions like a hoarder, but she is loving, she is giving, she is silly, she is warm and kind, and she has a heart large enough to have its own postal code.  The world celebrates her today from Eastern Europe though Canada, down to the south and all the way to the west coast of the USA.

-Are you ok?  I feel something going on.  You can talk to me.

-I want to delete that entire arrogant, previous post, but you read it already, so there’s no point.  What a douche…  Some feelings are so indescribable, that perhaps they’re best left without description.

-I’m waiting on you, and you’re waiting on something.  What exactly are you waiting on?  Are you waiting to know?  Are you waiting for an epiphany?  Are you waiting for a fight or confrontation with him?  Are you waiting to see if this is a passing whim for me and I find someone else?  Are you waiting for the holidays to be over?   If you’re deep in thought, then do you even know what you’re waiting to know?  Both of us love you, so I know there is a lot to consider.  I may be thinking a lot of myself by saying this, but to me the decision seems clear.  You melt with me.  You’re body’s on fire with me.  You think about me all the time.  I’m the one you want to be with when you’re at your most vulnerable and honest.  To even entertain this, or to have such profound thoughts of being with me speaks at a deafening volume that you’re not that into him, and never really were.  How could a decision be that hard given all this?  It’s a shame because I’m sure he’s a nice guy, but that doesn’t mean he’s the one for you, and you know that.  Anyway, I’m off to a meeting about a cheesy, little film.  Tomorrow I have a meeting about a TV show.  I’m hustling and trying to get things going so that I can pad the nest.  I love you. X

-Good morning, my love.  I just miss you, which is the root of my angst.  It’s beautiful here now.  A chilly wind (chilly for us), leaves blowing, people wearing layers and hats.  Fall is definitely my favorite time of year, and it’s probably when I miss loved ones the most.  I’m hugging you tightly, giving you a kiss on your head, and saying “have a great day, honey.”  XO

-I guess I miss being part of your life as I miss you being part of mine.  Sometimes I feel so close and connected with you, like we’re only one phone call away from actually making it happen.  And there are also times like this weekend when I can feel the physical separation so distinctly.  No phone calls, no FaceTime, a few late-night texts… I know it was a busy weekend for you with your party, your friends, your boyfriend, your mother, your house, your life…   So I do understand, rationally.  Yet me loving you, wanting you, missing you, and pursuing you is anything but rational.  It’s a desperate love which compels me not to accept the mistake I made and move on like any reasonable person would.  But I have to give myself a hard smack once in a while to remind me that though my love for you may have the force of gravity, and your love for me has depths like a sea, and we both know that you would be happier having a life with me, the odds are that it won’t work-out that way.  I guess one could call it a moment of doubt and despair.  But for now I will press forward anyway, because to me there is no other way worth going.

-It just goes on and on…  The list of tasks is limitless, as I’m sure you know.  All of this seems so disjointed though.  I’m doing my house here and you’re doing your house there.  When we should be doing OUR house together.  It’s like being in a bizarre parallel universe.

-I’m starting all the little home improvement tasks I want/need to do.  Today is all about fixing up the bathroom and hanging curtains.  I’m tired of the neighbors looking right into my bedroom, watching me cuddle my balls as I watch Netflix.  I’m also going to decorate this tree that’s on the corner of my property.  I’m going to put up Christmas lights and decorations on it.  It’ll look great, and probably surprise the shit out of my neighbors.   I’m super challenged tough, being a white, hetero male, which puts me at the worst kind of design disadvantage.  I’ll do the best I can with my limited knowledge and instincts, knowing that at some point a woman will put her touch on this house as well.

-Maybe it is the holiday music, or the festivities, or the desire to be with loved-ones, or maybe it’s just the chilly, windy night that makes me think of you more as well.  Save me some of that sinfully delicious fudge please.  You know it’s my Kryptonite.

-This really is our last chance to make it right.

-I went to my friend Amy’s house for dinner.  She was having a dinner party for a group of girls that we went to high school with.  I was the token man with seven women, some of whom I haven’t seen in more than a decade.  It was fun, but Amy and Brooke kept badgering me about you, which I couldn’t answer.  A bit awkward, but I’m good at side-stepping questions like those.  For some reason it’s always vindicating to be around high school friends.  I imagine you might feel the same.  Anyway love, I’m going to sleep.  I love you like the earth and stars.  XO

-January 15h is a fucking long way off, over a month, but I will do my best to be patient.  In the case of my heart, it’s really not my strong suit, and the ache is virtually intolerable.  If this was a physical ailment I would see a doctor immediately.  But unless there’s a surprise visit from you under my tree for Christmas, I’m going to have to self-medicate… a lot.   And I know that this tentative date is just that, tentative.  It could change or disappear all together.  Oh boy.  But at least thank you for pondering a date.  I still hope you change you mind and say ok to me flying out there for a day or two before the end of this month.  I really miss my arms around you.  But for now, a lot of Pranayama… in… out…. in…. out…

-For the last however long I have been wondering if you’re going to break it off with him, and then the thought resurged into my brain, which told me that it’s not an “if” but a “when”.  You see, because I self-proclaim to know who you are, my gut tells me that this relationship has a short shelf-life.  It may be ok for a while; it may even be good most of the time; but it won’t fulfill you, which I think you have a reasonable idea of that now.  But when that point comes you will be 40-something with kids and never having left K/W for the bigger world.  I believe that the “when” is what’s really important here.  Will the “when” be when we are both still crazy about each other, not married and without kids?  Or will it be five to ten years from now when I have a happy family with someone else and you look back and think “I wish I would have…”?  “When” is the really important question here because (I believe) that “if” may very well be a foregone conclusion.