#mardigras

Day 234 – Friday, December 4, 2015

~ JBT ~ Leave a comment

-And speaking of New York…  I still remember you vividly standing in your coat and scarf, your hair blowing in the cold wind, staring across the water to the Statue of Liberty; a child-like look of wonderment on your face.  What you were thinking I still don’t know.  I was standing behind you, my nose running and eyes watering from the cold, so that I could take a picture of this incredible girl whom I was astonished to be with, all the while never knowing how deeply the hooks would sink into my heart; a depth that defied time and distance, but only brought a deeper understanding through much reflection of this person, this creature, this woman, whom magically appeared through the smoke of a crowded bar one unremarkable night.

-You perplex and confound me.  I pound and pine away for what I know to be right for both of us.  I want to see you, feel you, hold you while we laugh and cry, and make you break my arms to leave my strong embrace.

-If radio silence equals you thinking, then good.  But it’s usually not such a good thing.  Good morning my love.  I didn’t hear from you yesterday, which isn’t completely out of the ordinary, and though it’s nice, I’ll try to taper my expectation.  How are you today?  Big plans for the weekend?  It must be freezing there by now.  I’m in my robe and slippers, sitting in what will be the dining area, working on a budget.  I’m way behind and need to focus and power-through it today.  Tomorrow I am off to Newport Beach for the night.  I’m going to visit my friends David and Anne, whom I met in Costa Rica.  They’re a fun couple.  You’d like them if you ever get to meet them.  It’s only an hour and a half drive, so I could come home after dinner if I wanted to, but I’m sure there will be wine and such…  It would be like the San Diego trip, if you find your way back here and to me.  I was just thinking yesterday how much I want to hold you close and look into your moist eyes as we dance our first dance as husband and wife.  You looking stunning in your gorgeous wedding dress, and me looking dashing in my tux that took me 17 fitting sessions because I’m OCD.  We’re smiling those silly grins again, aware of everyone and yet oblivious as only love can make you.  I also long for the day-to-day.  The daily talks, the banter, the problems, the love-making, building a life and a family…  For all our differences, for all our challenges, we are (I think) perfectly matched.  You have things that I don’t and need to learn: pensiveness, thoughtfulness, patience…  And I have things that you may (or may not) admire.  And both of us share some of the best qualities: silliness, love, chemistry (labial), stubbornness, joie de vivre, generosity, etc…  You can argue every reason why you think I don’t really love you or why we shouldn’t be together, and I will argue even more ferociously why you’re wrong on every single point.   Eggs are drying up, sperm is getting less potent, and time is ticking by for both of us.  If I seem impatient it’s because I don’t want wait anymore to start the life with the woman that I love.  We are better versions now of the people we were, more understanding of who we are ourselves and each other.  I would argue that we are better matched now than then.

-Why do I get weepy when I reread my posts???

E Birthday 2012

Day 251 – Tuesday, November 17, 2015

~ JBT ~ Leave a comment

1 Mardi Gras 2-11

-Thanks for letting me know that you’re reading this. I must sound completely deranged.

-As I chow-down leftover Thai green curry, I’m pouring-out my thoughts and my feelings onto a sheet of virtual paper in cyberspace without knowing if you’re even reading any of this. This is definitely tougher than I imagined it would be. If a monologue is written in cyberspace and no one is there to read it, did it mean anything at all? Is this the way it is to be? Never a word or a thought from you? No insight into what you’re thinking or how you’re feeling. I certainly can’t keep up this lopsided love affair for very long, so baby, my love, my beshert, before I possibly take a break from my rants, here are the strait facts as I see them:

  • I may not be the man your brain wants, but I am the one your heart wants, and it was evident to both of us (including AXXXXX) last week.
  • If you marry and have children with your current boyfriend, you may be repeating the same mistake in partners again, and quite possibly be very unsatisfied with the relationship and that decision in the future.
  • You have grown and so have I. You have hurt and so am I. You have matured and so have I. I told you to your face so that you might believe my words; that I know without a shred of doubt exactly what I want: And that is that I never want to be without you again. Period. I don’t care what it takes, what I have to do, where I have to live, or how many times I need to go buy you feminine hygiene products in the middle of the night. Whatever it takes to make you happy. I want to support you mentally, physically, emotionally, and even professionally if you wanted. I want to have a family with you, have beautiful children with you, and see your lovely face every waking day. I want to feel your skin, smell your smell, and kiss your neck as I hold you. I want to hear you breaking dishes in the kitchen, or give my jacket when it’s cold out and you forgot yours. I want to feel you curl up on my lap and watch you fall asleep just as we start watching the best movie EVER! I want. I want. I want…
  • A house is just a thing.
  • The tragic reality is that though your heart may want something different, it’s more likely that you will stay the course you’re on now. I know that I’m in there somewhere, but I feel you slipping away, back to that place when you thought you didn’t love me anymore. Certainly if I was a betting man, I wouldn’t bet on me right now, but had I been able to see you two months earlier, I would have bet the house. It’s such a sad thought, but not solely because we may never have the life together we should have, but that you didn’t roll the dice on deep, meaningful love again, and might have settled for less than what you deserved, and even if it’s not with me, you deserve the world. You’re a small town girl (living in a lonely world…) and I’m a big city guy.   How could two seemingly complete opposites (other than our natural good looks) meet and fall in love? We don’t do the same thing. We don’t live in the same place. We don’t have the same friends. Each with our own baggage. So much against us, and yet we met and we loved. We bucked the odds. Now, still with much deep love, we’re far off course, and though it might take a lot to get back on track, it is within our doing to do so. I want it. I want it more than anything. And though my will is strong, it’s not strong enough to change yours.

 

-One week and I already feel like I’m pissing into the wind. I can still feel you across the distance. We really do know each other too well. I can feel your heart, but I can also hear your brain. I hear the thoughts, the conflict, the rationales…   When you’re with me your heart is the President, a democrat, full with purpose and all-powerful. But back in Waterloo your brain is the Prime Minister, a conservative, pragmatic, and in streamlining the country has drastically cut funding to the heart department.

I suppose I should at least be content with going from about 1% chance of winning you back to (I estimate) 17.6%. But I know those numbers are dropping with every passing day. I would make you happier. Do you think I would do this, ANY OF THIS, if I didn’t mean it? Why do you melt when you’re with me? Why do I long to crush you in my arms and never let you go? Because you stubborn fucking woman, we’re still in love.