-The smell of you is now overwhelmed by the combination of body odor and farts. It’s time to wash the sheets.
-I am a fool, of that I am sure. I have stabbed my own heart.
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Day 251 – Tuesday, November 17, 2015
-Thanks for letting me know that you’re reading this. I must sound completely deranged.
-As I chow-down leftover Thai green curry, I’m pouring-out my thoughts and my feelings onto a sheet of virtual paper in cyberspace without knowing if you’re even reading any of this. This is definitely tougher than I imagined it would be. If a monologue is written in cyberspace and no one is there to read it, did it mean anything at all? Is this the way it is to be? Never a word or a thought from you? No insight into what you’re thinking or how you’re feeling. I certainly can’t keep up this lopsided love affair for very long, so baby, my love, my beshert, before I possibly take a break from my rants, here are the strait facts as I see them:
- I may not be the man your brain wants, but I am the one your heart wants, and it was evident to both of us (including AXXXXX) last week.
- If you marry and have children with your current boyfriend, you may be repeating the same mistake in partners again, and quite possibly be very unsatisfied with the relationship and that decision in the future.
- You have grown and so have I. You have hurt and so am I. You have matured and so have I. I told you to your face so that you might believe my words; that I know without a shred of doubt exactly what I want: And that is that I never want to be without you again. Period. I don’t care what it takes, what I have to do, where I have to live, or how many times I need to go buy you feminine hygiene products in the middle of the night. Whatever it takes to make you happy. I want to support you mentally, physically, emotionally, and even professionally if you wanted. I want to have a family with you, have beautiful children with you, and see your lovely face every waking day. I want to feel your skin, smell your smell, and kiss your neck as I hold you. I want to hear you breaking dishes in the kitchen, or give my jacket when it’s cold out and you forgot yours. I want to feel you curl up on my lap and watch you fall asleep just as we start watching the best movie EVER! I want. I want. I want…
- A house is just a thing.
- The tragic reality is that though your heart may want something different, it’s more likely that you will stay the course you’re on now. I know that I’m in there somewhere, but I feel you slipping away, back to that place when you thought you didn’t love me anymore. Certainly if I was a betting man, I wouldn’t bet on me right now, but had I been able to see you two months earlier, I would have bet the house. It’s such a sad thought, but not solely because we may never have the life together we should have, but that you didn’t roll the dice on deep, meaningful love again, and might have settled for less than what you deserved, and even if it’s not with me, you deserve the world. You’re a small town girl (living in a lonely world…) and I’m a big city guy. How could two seemingly complete opposites (other than our natural good looks) meet and fall in love? We don’t do the same thing. We don’t live in the same place. We don’t have the same friends. Each with our own baggage. So much against us, and yet we met and we loved. We bucked the odds. Now, still with much deep love, we’re far off course, and though it might take a lot to get back on track, it is within our doing to do so. I want it. I want it more than anything. And though my will is strong, it’s not strong enough to change yours.
-One week and I already feel like I’m pissing into the wind. I can still feel you across the distance. We really do know each other too well. I can feel your heart, but I can also hear your brain. I hear the thoughts, the conflict, the rationales… When you’re with me your heart is the President, a democrat, full with purpose and all-powerful. But back in Waterloo your brain is the Prime Minister, a conservative, pragmatic, and in streamlining the country has drastically cut funding to the heart department.
I suppose I should at least be content with going from about 1% chance of winning you back to (I estimate) 17.6%. But I know those numbers are dropping with every passing day. I would make you happier. Do you think I would do this, ANY OF THIS, if I didn’t mean it? Why do you melt when you’re with me? Why do I long to crush you in my arms and never let you go? Because you stubborn fucking woman, we’re still in love.
Day 252 – Monday, November 16, 2015
-It was around the beginning of June of this year, close to the end of the TV show I was working on (“XXX and XXXXXXX”), when I started to think about a summer vacation. You had said that you were going to Eastern Europe, and me being the fool for you that I am (and I hate being anyone’s fool), was thinking to meet you over there somewhere, then go to London for a bit. But before I booked my tickets I called my agent to ask if there was any work on the horizon. He said at the moment there wasn’t, so I should go ahead and plan my trip. “Are you sure?” I asked him. “I don’t want to make all these plans, purchase tickets, and wind-up having to give it up and eat the money if I a great gig comes along.” After a momentary pause he replied, “Look, what can I tell you? Just book your trip, and more than likely as soon as you do another great gig is going to come along. That’s just the way it works.” So thinking that nothing was on the horizon, I booked my trip, partially. I made hotel reservations and booked tickets in London for Secret Cinema. Five days later I got a call from Warner Bros to come out to LA and do a film. And there it was… the universal law in action. So I cancelled the hotel reservations, but had to eat the Secret Cinema tickets. Thank God I hadn’t booked airline tickets yet. It was then that I realized that life or fate doesn’t care about the plans that you make. Almost as if the physical act of making a plan is enough to anger fate into altering it. Does that mean that we shouldn’t make plans? Of course not. But though we still must continue to make plans in our lives to keep the semblance of control, it doesn’t at all mean that’s the way it’s going to unfold. You have to make plans for plans to be made.
-One of the things I do to make myself feel better is shopping therapy; a new shirt, a pair of shoes, a jacket, whatever… It usually makes me feel better. How do you think I got so much stuff? I’m sure it’s rooted in something deeper, perhaps my father’s guilt and shopping sprees when my brother and I were kids. In this case, with the strong possibility that you may decide not to have a life with me and to stay the course in Waterloo, I went out and bought a car, if that gives you any sense of scope.
-What life do you really want? What laughter, what adventure, what cock, what shoulders, what kiss, what fun, what love, WHAT?
Day 253 – Sunday, November 15, 2015
-I got a car yesterday. It temporarily takes my mind off of you. Of course I assumed you would be driving it if you came here, so I tried not to get anything too big.
-I had dinner with AXXXX last night, who owed me for having her rep me on the purchase of my house. Sushi, of course, and I tried to break the bank. I told her the story (minus the dirty parts). She was very misty thinking about the parallels between her and GXX. She had wished and wished for years that he would come back, declare his love, and offer to make a life together, but he isn’t a romantic, like some.
-People have told me that I should stop pursuing you and let you go. How and why could I ever do that? You’re the love of my life as I hopefully am yours, and I will give everything I have to get us back on track and finish what we started.
-I got your email about only communicating via Dropbox. Did that mean one-way communication; i.e. from me to you, or will you reply or can we talk at all?
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