-In this one-sided forum there’s no need for me to be fake or put on a stoic face.   I’m definitely upset about not seeing you before new years.  I see your face and hear your voice on the phone and want to grab you and kiss you.  I  your texts and want to hold your soft, warm hand while we talk in person.  I feel cheated.  You asked last year and I came.  I ask this year and am denied.  Is my longing to see you any less than yours was to see me?  I know there’s a whole situation there with the man, family, holidays, teaching, etc…  And I’m sure that when I reflect on this some time from now that I’ll see all of my selfishness in it, but right now emotions are emotions, and not rational, and I want to be able to express what’s inside of me.  How about a Chanukah gift of changing your mind?  Fuck, if I’m asking for a gift, how about you just pack up and come out here?  That would be a real holiday gift.  I hope this holiday season brings you much ponderance about what you really want in your life.

-Good morning, my dear.  Today’s lesson is about relationships and patterns.  From what you have told me about ex-boyfriends/husband, they were usually much more into you than you were into them.  Is that accurate?  From my perspective my dear, that seems to be your pattern.  It’s like a long, strait, boring road, with no mountains, no valleys, and no cute little towns to stop along the way.  It’s kind of like west-Texas.  But that dynamic, that road, hasn’t held your interest for very long historically, and dare to say that it more than likely won’t do it this time either.  I think  that you know that, which is why you say that you’re not going to marry him (again, that’s what you tell me).  You’ve been down that strait, boring road a few times before, and know where it ends: short-term contentment and ultimately dissatisfaction.  It smacks more of your sisters than you, which is, I’m sure, how you never thought you’d end up.  Now back in front of you is a fork to get back on the other road which in your heart of hearts you really want to be on; the one with the mountains, the valleys, and little towns with tourist shops to buy all the local crap.  Obviously there is trepidation, fear, and caution as you stare at the fork pondering which way should you go: continue down the shorter one I’ve been down a few times before which may not be as fun or as hard, but is easy and stable, or do I choose the lesser known path which could be precarious and is filled with trepidation, but yet might be a longer and more fulfilling ride?

-I know you’re not going to make a blind leap-of-faith, so if you really have interest in overcoming your trepidations, then we have to make a real plan, and I promise that I’ll do my part in that.  You know that I’m sincere.  This is not a phase or a whim.  This is acceptance of the feelings inside and surrendering to them and to you.  I surrender.  I don’t want to hide or play games with our lives anymore.  I want you and you want me.  You want kids and I want kids.  You want to marry ME and I want to marry YOU.  It seems like crystal to me.  Just tell me what I need to do, what we need to discuss or overcome in order to start our lives together again.  How long do you think it will be before you get pregnant, he proposes, or I find someone else? The clock is ticking for both of us, babe.

-Good morning, my dear.

-I’m sitting in the Verizon store seemingly for-fucking-ever…  I’m old and gray now.  But I need to ensure that my cell phone network extender works at my house.  I have a work-around, but I need a solution, not a quick fix.  Much like YOU!!!   The only good part is that there’s nothing here to distract me, so I can work and think.  I have worked and I have thought.  I, of course, thought (and think) about the quandary that you/we are in.  Some of the random thoughts that pop in my head are:  1) What do I need to do to show/prove to you my earnestness?  I know that we need to spend more time together at least, which is what I’m trying to do.  We could go to a few therapy sessions together (yours, mine, or other).  You need to let me know what more, if anything, you need of me.  2) What needs to happen for you to make a decision?   Are you deliberating?  If so, what are you deliberating on?  Are you waiting for something from me?  Do you already know what/who you want (i.e. moi), but don’t know how to make it happen?  3) Are you going to contemplate and push this all the way until my birthday?  If there are things I/we need to do and pondering and/or planning to be done, then it makes sense to take your time. I would like some answers to these questions as much as you would like answers to yours.  Next time we talk, OK?  Other than that, still at Verizon, dehydrating, and gaining empathy for mass murderers.

-CHANGE YOUR DAMN MIND!!!  I want to see you.  Dying!  XO

I                                             LOVE                                          YOU

-It surprises me that speaking to you can make me nervous.  I want to say so much, but I know that time is limited, not to mention I don’t want to say the wrong thing and run the risk of you not speaking with me again. I told you that I need to see you like I need air, and I am definitely suffocating without you.  I hope you change your mind and say yes to me going out there, even for one day/night.  I want to see you before the end of this year, hold you, kiss you, and talk intimately and deeply about us and what our future can be.  You had said that you feel like you and him are just going through the motions.   If I hadn’t come back into the picture and given you something to compare it to perhaps that thought might not have crossed your mind, at least on a conscious level.  Are you waiting to see if somehow you fall deeper for him or are you trying to force the relationship to a head?  Or are you waiting to have an epiphany so you can have a rational conversation?  And do you truly mean it when you say that you don’t want to marry him, or is that just what you tell me?  It simply boggles my bean that you would even think of settling for anything less than head-over-heels. That you would be, stay, buy a house, contemplate a future with a person you say that you don’t want to marry.  You, Erin Margaret Black, the rockstar, the introvert, the girl with a thousand leagues of depth in her eyes when they reflect love, which I have had the privilege to have glimpsed; the question for you is what kind of love do you want in your life?  Ponder that, and when you come up with the answer you’ll know what you need to do.  Just please don’t take too long.

-I ran from you, but as far as I ran I couldn’t get away.  I put an ocean between us to try to stop feeling what I felt.  I tried to shed the feelings of you like an old worn-out coat, but it wouldn’t come off.  I pulled and tugged and ripped and yet it clung.  It clung deep and mocked me at every opportunity.  It was only when I realized that I can never lose it, never hide, never get away from it that I understood what I wanted, and I became fearless.

-We will fight and we will love.  You will rage, I will understand and we will love.  I will have outbursts and you will try not to take them to heart, and again we will love.  We will love because it’s what binds us together.  We will love because it’s on our minds from when we wake until we sleep.  And we will love because we hopelessly can’t do anything else.

-My dad’s birthday.  I chatted with Zach earlier about how we would be spending it.  I like to have a few drinks and watch old reruns of his shows.  It’s nice to see him at his height; young, vibrant, successful.

Here’s something worth watching:

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-Yes, we’ve been having this conversation, one side or the other, for five years, and there’s no one I’d rather have this conversation with.  Is there possibly for a time to talk again this week?  Missing you.  I admit, I misunderstood your first text that’d “we’d be having this conversation regardless of his position.”  I thought you meant you and him would be having the conversation.  Don’t ask.  It made sense at the time.

-I love you, I want you, and I want all the crazy that goes with it. I date and you have a boyfriend… Realistically, how long until one of us is truly gone and the dream is dead?   And how long must I woo?  It’s worse than how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.  Eight more months I believe I said.  Oy fucking vey!  Why the fuck did I say that?  Because I wanted you to have time to think it through and know that it was the right decision, and not an impulsive one.  Do you really want to wait that long for happiness?  Just save us both another year of mediocrity, save your eggs another year, save my sperm, save our kids from having parents who are one year older than they could have been, and just run away with me and live happily ever after.  Is that really too much to ask???

-There was something in what you wrote to me yesterday, even as tiny as it was, that made me cautious.  When it came to the comment about him not wanting to have kids now or anytime soon, it made me think that if he did, then would we even be having this conversation?   I suspect that ultimately he’s going to do whatever it is that keeps you from walking out the door.  So if and when it comes down to that, what impact does that have on me?  And how long do you wait to have this conversation?  How long do I?

Family dinner

-Moving day.  Up early and moved-in to the new house, at least the bottom bedroom.  So much stuff delivered, and there are STILL two more storage units to go!!!  It’s going to take a lot of work to get this place together.

-Just starting to think about new years.  Another one apart.  I can’t think of anything better than looking lovingly at your happy and slightly drunken eyes as we count down the last few numbers to the new year, and kiss deeply.   But no… I’m going to think of you and you’re going to think of me and we’re going to kiss someone else… again.   I can honestly say that in my life I will have lied no bigger lie than the kiss I give this New Years Eve.  Can’t we just run away?   Promise me this will be the last time.

-Your spider sense is way off these days.  I was in bed with the laptop watching a movie.  I needed a mellow night after Thanksgiving.  Me and Br### had a few after we left my mom’s.

-I was thinking last night that this must be very tough for you; not knowing who or what, both pros and cons, someone’s feelings getting hurt. You’re wrong when you said that I’m not sorry about putting you in this position.  I am.  I wouldn’t want to put you in any difficult situation like this.  It’s a heavy load (load…).  Now I would love to frame it that it is my loving responsibility to save you from a less-than-extraordinary life, but the fact is that I’m trying to rescue both of us.  It should have been and should be “our life”.  You know that they say that married couples have ups and downs and struggles?  What if perhaps this has been our up and down, or our struggle?  Maybe we’ve gotten it out of the way, or at least these issues, and the road ahead is free and clear of obstacles?  I’d like to think that.  I do know that you give me and inner peace when I’m with you and I want to start our life together sooner than later..  Now go recite your mantra.   XO

-I loved seeing your upside-down little face.  That was such a nice Thanksgiving treat!  I was doing some thinking about January and remote possibility of getting together.  I want to do it in the worst way; you and me at the house for a few days, talking, having sex everywhere, getting close again, making plans for the future…  Nothing could sound more perfect.  But there’s also a voice that says that unless you’ve already broken up, or you are just about to, we should wait and do it right this time.  Let’s not make the same mistakes, so that there might be any more guilt or any other negative feelings involved in our re-coupling.  I want it to be pure and honest love without baggage.  Not to mention that me being “gentleman caller” wouldn’t sit well with either of us.  What do you think?

-Try repeating this a few times…  Of course feel free to change anywhere you see fit or ad lib;  “Emxxx, I love you but for some reason deep inside I’m not falling in-love, and I really tried to.  You’re a great guy and I thought that moving in together, and buying the house might change things and push my feelings over the edge, but it’s still not there.  I’m so sorry.”   That’s a tough thing to say, but if it’s honest then you must say it to him at some point.  And if it’s not, then you must say it to me.