It is here that I seduce you. It is here that I make love to you. In absence of your body I will make love to your mind. 

Though we may struggle to remember now and again, when our lips meet we undeniably know the truth. 

I’m in Vegas having a great time watching and listening to my brother do what he does best; rock out. Of course I think of you (appx every 3rd or 4th thought), and in my current state I strung two unrelated events together: a few days ago there was a car blocking the exit of the gym because a girl’s car died. She was blocking everyone from getting out. Everyone was getting impatient and getting on their horns. I of course wanted to know why she wasn’t moving, so I got out of my car to find out why the fuck she wasn’t moving.  She said her car had died. Shitty place for it to die, and she was probably mortified. Without a second’s though I told her to put her car in neuteral, turn the wheel to the left, and I dug in and began pushing. Her car was heavy , especially alone, and very especially because I had just finished a leg work out at the gym. I pushed and it budged, but my feet slipped. I dug in further and pushed harder. A tiny bit of momentum began to build, but so small that it could be lost in a moment of bad footing. I put it all into it. I thought to myself “This is good damn karma, so push!”  I got her to a place where she was out of the way enough that people could finally passed. I looked at her face, she appreciatively smiled at me, but I just got in my car and drive away wondering why everyone doesn’t do that. It amazes me that we’re all so thankful to revive good will and so infrequently randomly give it. Then just now I stopped to help an old Asian woman out of her wheel chair, again without a moment’s thought. The gentleman, I assume her aged husband, declined my help, I think unsure of my motive. But the events have a through line, a commonality… I do good when I can, randomly. I thank my time in the south. And no matter what other less attractive characteristics I may have, or things I may regretfully say or do, as long as doing things for others is reflexive rather than contrived or calculated, I will continue to know that I’m a good person inside with much to offer. 

Baby, if even the smallest part of you still feels like you could be making a mistake, I’m letting you know with certainty that you’re not. You are being generous and gracious enough to allow me to rectify my biggest one.  

Erin, in speaking with you I can tell that we will be as good of friends as partners and lovers.  You’ve blossomed into a confident woman. 

As for you question about what you would do when I’m working… There are many questions that we can answer together between now and then, and then I’m sure there will be many, many more that we’ll have to figure out as we go.  I am in this 100%, and we will be partners, so we’ll work-through our questions and problems together. If one imagines the issues as a whole, it could be intimidating and overwhelming. But much like raising a child, some things you know and some you learn along the way. We will learn a lot along the way, but that’s the journey I want us to take together.  Do you want to take that journey together?  Text “Y” for yes, or nothing if unsure. 

I should have left yesterday. My boys were in LA, I could have slept in my own bed, and now my flight is delayed, so I’m just sitting around the airport for hours. If it wasn’t for swimming laps and a schvitz (Yiddish for steam room) at the gym, I’d be a complete crank-pot, but mostly I just feel spent (and a little bloated). Being tired like this gives me a strange clarity.  I think that I might be scared. I’m scared that we won’t be together.  That something will happen today, tomorrow, next week, or anytime between now and whenever. There are so many variables.  Something could happen to you or to me with our bodies or our hearts. Every day is another day I could lose you and that scares me. 

P.S. Now that I’m not gainfully employed, I’m going to Jazzfest. 

I’m out in Charlotte at a venue to see a live band with the (former) production coordinator, her husband, and their friends. I’m watching a small band play their hearts out hoping they’re making a dent in the attention span of the horny drunks in the audience. I want you here with me so badly right now. I want you at all of these things, my partner. I am having a real moment of animosity towards you for not being with me now. It’s just so hard to walk this path, having the fun, the hardships, and all the experiences without you by my side.  I know you had your pain and my words might even echo the thoughts and feelings you had back then, but when and if we can actually come together and once and for all become one, as I believe we were meant to be, we will be even.  

Baby, I’m waiting in purgatory for you, and it’s as painful and hollow as one could imagine. I have to remind myself however that I am here because I made this happen. I chased you, I found you, and I told you I would wait. I just couldn’t have anticipated how dreadful it would be to wait anxiously, not able to have any real female companionship to do anything with, other than physical, lest they think this is more than that, knowing that circumstances could change, such as him proposing or you getting pregnant, or even that you could change your mind at any moment. It’s a terribly anxious and lonely place to be.  But we are half way there, and I’m doing my best to keep the candle burning, but the pain is taking a toll. 

I’m on the cusp of sleep, with the air purifier on jet engine, and typing away my one last thought to you.  It was a melancholy day from the start. My thoughts were full of him, you, him, my aunt, her mournful daughters, him, and that I should be going to the service in NY but can’t due to a prior commitment. I watched several youtube tributes, talked to him about my life, told him about the house, had a couple cries, and depleted myself.  I miss him, damn it. 

Isn’t it wild to think that we will be married in three or four months??? This has been a crazy courtship, eh?   I see you’re point about the time period for giving your current situation a try.  You’re right, at least six months would be reasonable, which (if my math is any good) is May.  As far as perception goes, I don’t know that it would be any different than seven or eight months, June or July, but that’s obviously up to you.  You’re also right (again) that there are a lot of practical things to take into consideration, and some of those are for me as well.  Assuming that I’m working in July, I don’t know how I will have the time to fly up there, get married, get you and your stuff, drive to LA, get you situated, then get back to work, etc… and we can’t possibly do all of this on a long weekend.  We could of course ship a lot of your stuff to my house, depending on how much stuff you are actually taking with you.  I know you want to push-off this heavy and painful thing for as long as possible, but at that point one month won’t make much of a difference, but it will make a very big practical difference for you and me and starting off the right way.  Think about that too, OK?