I made the mistake of trying to keep up with Ron last night, and I’m paying the price and couldn’t make it to the fest today.  Yesterday, Paul Simon was playing, the crowd was singing and swaying, and my arms remembered holding you close. A sadness. I lasted a couple more songs then just couldn’t take it and had to leave. My arms know they belong around you as much as your body knows it belongs inside them. 

Erin,

I’m sorry you read that post and didn’t hear it come out better from my mouth. It had a bite to it, which is why I deleted it. I did feel that way though (and still to an extent) so I wrote down my feelings to communicate with you in the only medium I reliably have. You know that I love you and just want to talk to you as often as I can. I hope you understand that. 

FYI, I know you have your concerns, and maybe moreso after that last cryptic post, but so that you know there is no other shoe. 

I will tell you in person if I see you. 

A look of hurt and scorn, then she said “Thanks for wasting my time” and the door slammed. That’s how my night ended. This was of course precipitated by in a moment of honesty telling her that I can’t give her anything because my heart is with a woman in Canada. 

I went to a great concert with Guy. I had the perfect level of “I don’t care what people think” buzz on, in a good way. The show was amazing.  Asaf Avidan. Look him up on youtube. He’s so talented.  In the midst of the evening I was having thoughtful moments where I could see beyond the immediate, the present, and the bullshit. I had moments of clarity and maybe a few of strait-up crazy as well. You were in that stream: longing, anger, love, frustration, hopefulness, jealousy and dispare.  I questioned myself from all angles. I am certain however that I’m approaching the limitation of my stamina for state of “relationship”.  I try to see things through your eyes so that I may find some answers to my questions and feelings. Some I can manifest, and others I can not. It’s frustrating, but in a state where I have very little, if any, time to verbally communicate with you it’s the only thing I can do to keep pushing forward. I do wonder some times if you’re just waiting for me to give up this potentially fruitless quest. If I can actually stay the course with as much enthusiasm until July. I wonder that often myself. But a new day comes, you’re not there, and I try again. 

Your family, my family, your friends, my friends… They’ll use words like “fool” and “idiot” and question if it’s love or something else. I have heard it already from quite a few and I expect to hear more. Yours is just around the corner and it’s not pretty. But I’m standing confidently behind my words, my conviction and my love. They can say whatever the fuck they want but my feet are planted firmly and no one is going to knock me down. 

You are the epitome of what is beautiful to me. Even your craziness I embrace, and you will make me crazy at times, as I’m sure I will make you at times as well.  But I can’t wait to talk out every single thing, every pet peeve or sideways glance. Let’s do this shit!  

Thanks for coming on the ride with me earlier. I loved having part of you with me. I’m sorry about the weiner comment. I sounded humorous in my head but out loud it wasn’t at all. Jazzfest will be catch as catch can. I hope we can work it out, but if circumstances don’t permit then I’ll live (poorly). Holy crap! It’s going to be 72 degrees in the K-dub tomorrow. Summer for you. 

My lips long for yours. I can so vividly remember your lips… soft, wet, and move as I move. When my lips are on yours I’m never sure where they end and yours begin, as if we’ve melted together. And it’s been like that since we first met. Your lips are home to me.