Erin, in speaking with you I can tell that we will be as good of friends as partners and lovers.  You’ve blossomed into a confident woman. 

As for you question about what you would do when I’m working… There are many questions that we can answer together between now and then, and then I’m sure there will be many, many more that we’ll have to figure out as we go.  I am in this 100%, and we will be partners, so we’ll work-through our questions and problems together. If one imagines the issues as a whole, it could be intimidating and overwhelming. But much like raising a child, some things you know and some you learn along the way. We will learn a lot along the way, but that’s the journey I want us to take together.  Do you want to take that journey together?  Text “Y” for yes, or nothing if unsure. 

I should have left yesterday. My boys were in LA, I could have slept in my own bed, and now my flight is delayed, so I’m just sitting around the airport for hours. If it wasn’t for swimming laps and a schvitz (Yiddish for steam room) at the gym, I’d be a complete crank-pot, but mostly I just feel spent (and a little bloated). Being tired like this gives me a strange clarity.  I think that I might be scared. I’m scared that we won’t be together.  That something will happen today, tomorrow, next week, or anytime between now and whenever. There are so many variables.  Something could happen to you or to me with our bodies or our hearts. Every day is another day I could lose you and that scares me. 

P.S. Now that I’m not gainfully employed, I’m going to Jazzfest. 

I’m out in Charlotte at a venue to see a live band with the (former) production coordinator, her husband, and their friends. I’m watching a small band play their hearts out hoping they’re making a dent in the attention span of the horny drunks in the audience. I want you here with me so badly right now. I want you at all of these things, my partner. I am having a real moment of animosity towards you for not being with me now. It’s just so hard to walk this path, having the fun, the hardships, and all the experiences without you by my side.  I know you had your pain and my words might even echo the thoughts and feelings you had back then, but when and if we can actually come together and once and for all become one, as I believe we were meant to be, we will be even.  

Baby, I’m waiting in purgatory for you, and it’s as painful and hollow as one could imagine. I have to remind myself however that I am here because I made this happen. I chased you, I found you, and I told you I would wait. I just couldn’t have anticipated how dreadful it would be to wait anxiously, not able to have any real female companionship to do anything with, other than physical, lest they think this is more than that, knowing that circumstances could change, such as him proposing or you getting pregnant, or even that you could change your mind at any moment. It’s a terribly anxious and lonely place to be.  But we are half way there, and I’m doing my best to keep the candle burning, but the pain is taking a toll. 

I’m on the cusp of sleep, with the air purifier on jet engine, and typing away my one last thought to you.  It was a melancholy day from the start. My thoughts were full of him, you, him, my aunt, her mournful daughters, him, and that I should be going to the service in NY but can’t due to a prior commitment. I watched several youtube tributes, talked to him about my life, told him about the house, had a couple cries, and depleted myself.  I miss him, damn it. 

Isn’t it wild to think that we will be married in three or four months??? This has been a crazy courtship, eh?   I see you’re point about the time period for giving your current situation a try.  You’re right, at least six months would be reasonable, which (if my math is any good) is May.  As far as perception goes, I don’t know that it would be any different than seven or eight months, June or July, but that’s obviously up to you.  You’re also right (again) that there are a lot of practical things to take into consideration, and some of those are for me as well.  Assuming that I’m working in July, I don’t know how I will have the time to fly up there, get married, get you and your stuff, drive to LA, get you situated, then get back to work, etc… and we can’t possibly do all of this on a long weekend.  We could of course ship a lot of your stuff to my house, depending on how much stuff you are actually taking with you.  I know you want to push-off this heavy and painful thing for as long as possible, but at that point one month won’t make much of a difference, but it will make a very big practical difference for you and me and starting off the right way.  Think about that too, OK?

Baby, we have never been closer to being truly together. Even a few years ago both of us still had just a bit more growing to do. And now we’re here, at the edge, staring at a wonderful future, we just need to will our feet forward that last step. 

Honey my honey… It’s getting very near the time to shit or get off the pot. I know (and you know) that he’s not the man for you.  A safe life, an easy life, a life that’s predictable with a man who’s not whom you truly want (with small-to-average junk to boot) isn’t the life for you. I know we have history, good and bad, but you shouldn’t need convincing of those facts. It is possible that the person I see, I know, I believe to be you isn’t that person at all, though I’m betting my heart and future that I’m right, that I know you inside and out, that we are connected on a such a profound level that our thoughts and hearts can barely go a day without wishing the other near. And time is against us, as it moves on, and we get older, and the life we can have together gets shorter. You’re right about the dishonesty in seeing each other. I wouldn’t choose to see you under these circumstances at all, but I feel that if I leave it to blogging and texting you’ll become sedentary and/or complacent and possibly stop striving for your dream, our dream, assuming that is what you want. If I had any vote at all I would say you should tell him that there’s no future. He will probably pop the question some day soon, and then what?  Do you accept?  Do you decline?  If you would accept then spare me the pain and the time and tell me. If you would decline then why wait if it will end worse for both of you.  That’s my .02 at the moment. I’m sure I’ll have more thoughts on the matter.  I look forward to speaking with you tomorrow, my love.

This is how I see us in the near future. 

Pieces are what I have; a text, a call, an email, a weekend… I love the pieces. I love the pieces to pieces, but I want the whole. There’s so much for me to learn about you. Even spending such a short time with you made me understand that there’s so much more to you, both good and bad, but we will learn and grow together.