What a terrible spot you’re in.  I’m sorry I won’t pretend to know what it’s like, and I will understand what you feel that you need to do.  Of course I will be horribly disappointed, and even a bit angered, but I will understand.  The one thing that I will ultimately not understand is why you would stay with a man when he’s nor really who you want.  I love you and I will continue to love you, from near or afar.  

Here is a little haiku I wanted to write to you at 3am the other morning, when I awoke from the pain and couldn’t go back to sleep.

Don’t be scared.

This is no lie.

And there is no other shoe.

Can you fucking believe it?..  There are clear moments in my prescription-filled stupor when I just think of you… Your face, your skin, your smell, your breasts, your lady bits, your eyes, your kiss, your embrace…  You are my wife and my life.  I died a little every day without you, and with 11 sleeps left, life is being breathed back into me.  Excitement, hope, love, lust, all of it.  I really look forward to spending time with you, truly.  XO

I am high as a mother mother right now on the prescription meds they gave me for the pain.  My arms are tingling all the way up and down.  It’s kind of like when we had that chocolate and layer in bed wondering if one of us just peed the bed.  I wish you were here to take care of me.  My mother is coming over tomorrow and we’re going to bake gluten free cookies.  Probably more like she’s going to bake and I’m going to taste and watch.  Good mama.  Now it’s after we have texted.  I love you.  I do.  Can we FaceTime this weekend, pretty please????

-I can’t believe that 25 days seems short, when it used to feel like an eternity.  It’s been over 50 days without seeing you now and it will be around 80 if/when I see you in Nola (again please let me know by the 28th if you are making it).  Firstly, I miss you. I thought about you much over the weekend, as I always do.  I know that it has been a few days since I have posted anything, and I missed vomiting out my heart and brain like multicolored confetti.  Right now I’m sitting on my sofa, procrastinating doing a budget for the second season of “Hap and Leonard”, the TV show I did in Baton Rouge earlier this year.  If they green-light a 2nd season, it may shoot in New Orleans, which would be fantastic!  That would be the latter half of 2016.  If not, I’m sure there will be something else.  The waiting is killing me, but I’ll endure.  The house is moving along nicely.  The sliding glass doors arrived today and look fantastic.  They will be installed tomorrow, so the house won’t be open to the elements anymore, which should lower my heating bill.  I ordered the hardwood floor and set a date for the installation.  I also ordered my PODS to be shipped and delivered with all my furniture from Shreveport and all my clothing and stuff from New Orleans.  Everything should converge by the end of the month.  Assuming all goes well, the house should be at the end of phase one renovation before I go to Nola.  I’m so excited!!!  I have to plan a housewarming party some time in February.   I hope you can come see it some time soon.  I signed up for four different pet adoption places.  I’m not doing anything now that I couldn’t have a dog.  I’m home most of the time, live by a dope dog park, and would be the best dog owner.  Why the fuck not!!!    I went to the doctor today and he shoved (gently though) the Hubble Telescope up my butt.  Not so fun.  I feel like I should go to some kind of ass-rape support group for group therapy.  I have to have some polyps removed next week, so I have to do the same thing I did when I had the colonoscopy… that terrible prep and someone to pick me up afterward, but this time they tell me that I’ll have four days of serious pain followed by two more of not-s0-seriuos pain.  Awesome!!  Can’t wait.  So I’ll by laying on the sofa very medicated next weekend, so excuse me if I don’t blog, or if I do, excuse me even more because I was high as a mother-mother when I wrote it.  That’s about it for the moment, my dear.  I hope to hear a bit about what’s going on with you at some point.  Fuck, I miss you.  XO

-I hope you make it.  Of course I’ll be hurt, pissed, crestfallen, disappointed, and maybe a little suicidal if you can’t make it, but I will understand (eventually).  I’ll just have to post these online somewhere where the world will see them (kidding…. maybe ;-))

-I’ll say it again, you are right.  I can’t possibly fully understand the emotions and turmoil inside you.  Though I try, I’m sure that I’m coming up very short in comprehending the complexity of the volume of competing emotions.  I get so hopeful at times when you send me messages about a possible future or seeing me, and then come crashing down with frustration and sadness when you withdraw.  This blog is an outlet for my thoughts and feelings, which unfortunately can occasionally be coarse or insensitive, but they are merely mental and emotional ramblings.   I sometimes get impatient when I can’t see you and hold you in my arms, and I apologize for not fully comprehending the terribly complicated position you’re in.  I wish you were single.  I wish you didn’t have a house.  I wish we lived closer.  I wish this was a year ago.  I wish this was easier.  I wish I could sit with you by the fireplace at night.  I wish I could stare at your face and feel my heart swell.  I wish all of these things and more.  However, seemingly despite all of these complications and hurdles, I keep pushing because I know what’s in my heart, who’s in my heart.  I will try harder to understand.

This post was deleted due to stupid insensitivity.

You were of course on my mind a lot on New Years eve and New Years day.  I have to somehow ignore that you’re with another man the whole time.  If I thought you were head-over-heels, I’d be going crazy, but I think I’ve done a pretty good job of not getting too jealous (but fuck him anyway).  Am I seeing you in two weeks?  We should see each other to talk more.  I have to make plans soon if so, so let’s get to planning. XO