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-Yes, we’ve been having this conversation, one side or the other, for five years, and there’s no one I’d rather have this conversation with.  Is there possibly for a time to talk again this week?  Missing you.  I admit, I misunderstood your first text that’d “we’d be having this conversation regardless of his position.”  I thought you meant you and him would be having the conversation.  Don’t ask.  It made sense at the time.

-I love you, I want you, and I want all the crazy that goes with it. I date and you have a boyfriend… Realistically, how long until one of us is truly gone and the dream is dead?   And how long must I woo?  It’s worse than how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.  Eight more months I believe I said.  Oy fucking vey!  Why the fuck did I say that?  Because I wanted you to have time to think it through and know that it was the right decision, and not an impulsive one.  Do you really want to wait that long for happiness?  Just save us both another year of mediocrity, save your eggs another year, save my sperm, save our kids from having parents who are one year older than they could have been, and just run away with me and live happily ever after.  Is that really too much to ask???

-There was something in what you wrote to me yesterday, even as tiny as it was, that made me cautious.  When it came to the comment about him not wanting to have kids now or anytime soon, it made me think that if he did, then would we even be having this conversation?   I suspect that ultimately he’s going to do whatever it is that keeps you from walking out the door.  So if and when it comes down to that, what impact does that have on me?  And how long do you wait to have this conversation?  How long do I?

Family dinner

-Moving day.  Up early and moved-in to the new house, at least the bottom bedroom.  So much stuff delivered, and there are STILL two more storage units to go!!!  It’s going to take a lot of work to get this place together.

-Just starting to think about new years.  Another one apart.  I can’t think of anything better than looking lovingly at your happy and slightly drunken eyes as we count down the last few numbers to the new year, and kiss deeply.   But no… I’m going to think of you and you’re going to think of me and we’re going to kiss someone else… again.   I can honestly say that in my life I will have lied no bigger lie than the kiss I give this New Years Eve.  Can’t we just run away?   Promise me this will be the last time.

-Your spider sense is way off these days.  I was in bed with the laptop watching a movie.  I needed a mellow night after Thanksgiving.  Me and Br### had a few after we left my mom’s.

-I was thinking last night that this must be very tough for you; not knowing who or what, both pros and cons, someone’s feelings getting hurt. You’re wrong when you said that I’m not sorry about putting you in this position.  I am.  I wouldn’t want to put you in any difficult situation like this.  It’s a heavy load (load…).  Now I would love to frame it that it is my loving responsibility to save you from a less-than-extraordinary life, but the fact is that I’m trying to rescue both of us.  It should have been and should be “our life”.  You know that they say that married couples have ups and downs and struggles?  What if perhaps this has been our up and down, or our struggle?  Maybe we’ve gotten it out of the way, or at least these issues, and the road ahead is free and clear of obstacles?  I’d like to think that.  I do know that you give me and inner peace when I’m with you and I want to start our life together sooner than later..  Now go recite your mantra.   XO

-I loved seeing your upside-down little face.  That was such a nice Thanksgiving treat!  I was doing some thinking about January and remote possibility of getting together.  I want to do it in the worst way; you and me at the house for a few days, talking, having sex everywhere, getting close again, making plans for the future…  Nothing could sound more perfect.  But there’s also a voice that says that unless you’ve already broken up, or you are just about to, we should wait and do it right this time.  Let’s not make the same mistakes, so that there might be any more guilt or any other negative feelings involved in our re-coupling.  I want it to be pure and honest love without baggage.  Not to mention that me being “gentleman caller” wouldn’t sit well with either of us.  What do you think?

-Try repeating this a few times…  Of course feel free to change anywhere you see fit or ad lib;  “Emxxx, I love you but for some reason deep inside I’m not falling in-love, and I really tried to.  You’re a great guy and I thought that moving in together, and buying the house might change things and push my feelings over the edge, but it’s still not there.  I’m so sorry.”   That’s a tough thing to say, but if it’s honest then you must say it to him at some point.  And if it’s not, then you must say it to me.

-And here are a couple pics in reply to your text yesterday…  That might have been the first time you went over 150k/hr.  You were shitting yourself.

-How much penance must I pay?  How long?   To watch you live with another man… Build a home with another man…  Must I watch you marry another man as well?  Would you feel better then?

-Tomorrow is Thanksgiving here.  It’ll be a smaller gathering this year, but will still be plenty of fun.  Needless to say, I wish you were here to partake.

-I want to hold you like this again.  You’re the only person that ever felt right beneath my arm, against my chest, your lips to mine.  You belong there.  Our lips belong together, more so than anyone’s.  Please don’t wait too long.

-Packing, boxing, moving, schlepping, and repeat a billion times… Why aren’t you here to help me with this, so we can move into our new place?  You just went through this, so I’d imagine the thought of doing it again, even with me, gives you indigestion.

-I have less than a week to pack-up this whole apartment and get out, and it’s mostly being done by me alone.  I need your mother again.  Fortunately my mother is coming over to help today.  There doesn’t seem to be a lot here, however the more I pack the more there is.  I could use the help.

-I feel bad that I may have miscommunicated or that you may have misconstrued what I meant yesterday.  I’m sorry if the message came across as stern, but I hope you understand the essence of the sentiment.  Feel free to comment here and let me know.

-Tonight I’m going out with T## and his lady love.  I spent some time with them at T##’s place, and they’re a cute couple.  She really adore’s him, and in all the years I’ve known him I have never seen him gush, until now.  It’s very cute.  A foursome for dinner would have been great, but you’re a million miles away.  Put down the paint brush and come home to daddy already.

-Please understand that there will be a full range of thoughts and emotions here, from light to dark, expressing my hope, my pain, my anger, my memories…  It makes me happy that you thought of me and sent me a quick note.  What I really meant, and I’m sure you understand, is that after two weeks the occasional text from you isn’t substantial enough.  I know, I’m pushing my luck, but I’m all-in on this one, so I’ll push it as far as I respectfully can.

-I’m sitting on the sofa watching Forrest Gump with my right arm outstretched, and for a moment had what must have been a flashback of you underneath it, snuggling, getting comfy so you can sleep through the rest of the movie.  I felt you.

-The first thing to go is the desperation.  The urgent feeling of needing to see you.  It is waning.  I think it has to do with your lack of communication.  It speaks as loudly as your voice.  An intoxicated text just doesn’t really say anything substantial.

-I’m not inspired to write anything today.  I’m glad you felt nostalgic and emboldened by the champagne enough to text me yesterday.  It’s always nice to hear from you, especially randomly.  You were painting your living room and drinking champagne.  A nice image.  It once again makes me wonder how and why you stick with him and further build your nest when you think of me while doing those things.  Is it that you wish you were doing them with me now, or in another life, or that perhaps we might share this in the future?   Because if the message is solely nostalgic, as nice as that is, I would really appreciate you not sending it.

-It’s moving day for you, so you must be excited. The thought of it is making me mental, but I didn’t really have far to go anyway, did I? You nesting with someone else makes me gag. I hate that I wish you less happiness than you deserve (over there), but that’s what I feel at the moment.

-A house is just a thing. With a little spit and polish, you could flip an old Victorian house, no problem.

-Two full days, and damn I miss you. Just got back from dinner and drinks with GXX. He wanted the update. He was very encouraged, but I told him that though you may have let your heart out of its cage to fly around freely for a few days, it’s back inside now, sitting on its perch, whistling a melancholy melody that reminds it of me. I’m buzzed but mostly tired, so I’m going to sleep. XO